The shrillest highs and lowest lows

i don't know much about love. i'm no expert, i'm no one to ask for advice about it, i'm nowhere near fair or nice about it. i'm a mess. i'm unclassy, i'm a bitch, i'm a disgrace. too bad i'm in it. i wouldn't be like this if i wasn't. i'm in love. i can't imagine a day when i won't be, however i realize the high possibility that someday i will no longer be. but for right now, i'm pretty deep in. it's weird how fast it happened. it's weird i've never told a single person. because for once, it's for me. with others in the past i've been very PDA about it. at this point, it's good enough for me that i just know it.
i'm just so sure. i'm just so in.
it's a mess and it's fucked. but that defines me so i'm accepting of it. but fuck any outsiders who try to tell me right from wrong. i already know what right and wrong is. i didn't choose to fall in love. personally, i think people who fall in love are the most idiotic fucked up naive people on this planet. but now i'm one of them. and i don't want to not be in love. because finally i can feel. so i really don't give a shit what anyone's opinion is on the subject. i'm me. you're not. i'm selfish, i know. i think about myself a lot. that doesn't mean other people have to think about me too. so they can leave me alone.
i'm in love. i don't give a fuck.

i think i'm still looking for myself.
because i feel pretty lost right now.
i've felt this way before. i feel like i'm wasting time running in circles. like i'm not meant to be doing this with my life. i'm not where i belong. i'm not who i should be.

why do i feel like i can do 9 things right and then one thing wrong and the wrong thing is zoomed in and magnified upon.

oh wait i forgot i'm the shittiest friend/sister/daughter/person on this whole fucking mass of dirt.
and the people i adore the most, well i just repell them dont i?

give me a fucking break universe.



send me someone whos gonna love me and mean it and stick around for longer than six months.

this planet is bullshit.
i forgot i mean nothing. good thing i get reminded every now and then.
and for those who try to tell me i mean something to them.. try reminding me of THAT rather than the other.

i have some memories that while at the time they were being made i thought they were the most uncomfortable, strange, messed up things going on. but looking back on them, i would MORE THAN LOVE to do them all over again. like my time in philadelphia this summer. looking back on it, it was so eccentric and weird and off and disturbing but it was absolutely explosive with memories that i am SO fond of. and my brief time going on dates with Gabe Fee. i look back on my time being close with him sooooo fondly and i would love to do every minute of it over again. too bad all of those things really are in the past. i'll never have a time like the time i had in philly ever again, full of people i've never met ANYONE like ever before in my life, houses i've never seen anything like, clothes i had never seen, questions i had never been asked. and i'll never be close with Gabe again like i used to be. at least i doubt it. i just really like that i can reminisce on such good times in my life and i can think about them day after day for hours on end and never get sick of the thoughts and memories. and songs and clothes and sounds and smells and pictures and words and nights will always remind me of these times. i love it. i love reliving them in my head. i want to go back to them right now. i'm so in love with the feelings i get from thinking about them.

if you want any kind of glimmer of a view of what runs through the upper left and lower right corners of my brain, here are some words written by someone other than me that define it to its most accurate and precise point...

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You are the only exception

how lucky am i to be living with my best friend in the universe at my dream school?! the luckiest. i want everyone who reads this to know that deep down, i am sooo blessed and happy and couldn't ask for a better group of people to surround me in my life. i love you.

Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you



our friendship began on may 6 2010. yup. its been just almost four months. but in those four months you became the most substantial boy that has ever been in my life. i had so many problems when we met, and so did you, and we both still do. but we have lended our souls to each other and helped each other through every single rough time even the most miniscule drunken train wreck. now that i have you, i don't know what i would ever do if you were to leave my life. you speak my mind for me, thats how well you know me. you teach me more about myself than i even thought i could teach myself. i don't think you'll ever completely understand how much you have changed my life for the better. i'm going to miss you every single day. and i'm never going to stop loving you. i love you across the milkyway and back. you are one of the most important people in my life. you are truly an incredible human being and any person to come in contact with you at any point in their life won't even realize how lucky they are. you're a treasure, presh. you've given me so much love and i know you're never gonna stop being my best friend. don't ever forget that you always have me. i'm yours whenever you need me. you have the biggest heart in the world. fill it up as much as you can. but please don't forget me. i love you anthony monaco. you're an angel. and my best friend forever.

i don't want to get married. and part of the reason for that is because of my history with romance and getting close to people that hurt me and leave me without a care in the world, proving to me that i cannot be loved forever. maybe i can be loved temporarily by another person but not eternally the way marriage is supposed to be. but a huge reason is because of my dad. was i not good enough for you to want to get to know at all? am i such a horrible person that you didn't feel like you wanted or needed to have any kind of relationship with me at all? or do you just not care... i will NEVER let any child of mine have a father treat them the way mind did/does. i don't ever want my child to feel invisible in their own house. or feel like the only time they are seen is when they are doing the smallest thing wrong. i won't let the father of my children be the reason they seek therapy. i want them to feel loved by their parents. and i can ensure that i will love my children and pay attention to them and know them and be close to them. but i can't be so certain that any man i marry will do the same, regardless if he is their father or not. so the plan still is not to get married and to adopt children.

even though i really don't like her. i love you so much. and you guys think i have no reason for not liking her. but i do. and i could voice it all day long. but i'm too exhausted from being burned by former friends. so i'm just letting it simmer. i just wished you understood that i have a reason. and i'm not trying to be the bad guy. you must know that you are the most important thing in the world to me. i love you more than anyone on this earth. you and danny are the most important guys in the world to me. i can tell she makes you happy.... my heart shatters in bits when i see you upset. if she breaks your heart i'm going to curb stomp her. as long as you're happy and i can see you shining, i'm shining too.

When I first met you I knew you were the one
Till you took me home and I met her
She had your boxers on
She was listening to your song
And I thought right then that you had everything

But I knew
She was jealous from the start
Yeah, I knew
She was jealous from the start

'Cause I know better not to be friends with boys
With girlfriends
Oh, I know better than that
I know better
You play the victim and I'll be the bad guy
I know better than that
I know better

We started hanging around at the nine
I could have sworn that I was yours
You looked at me and said
"It's a little too late for bed"
We went to a hotel and talked about everything

But I knew
She was jealous from the start
Yeah I knew
She was jealous from the start

'Cause I know better not to be friends with boys
With girlfriends
Oh, I know better than that
I know better
You play the victim and I'll be the bad guy
I know better than that
I know better

'Cause what she did to us was tragic
And I had to do what's right
What we had was really magic
But I have to get what's mine
What's mine
I'll get what's mine
And you'll get yours

'Cause I know better not to be friends with boys
With girlfriends
Oh, I know better than that
I know better
You play the victim and I'll be the bad guy
I know better than that
I know better

I know better not to be friends with boys
With girlfriends
Oh, I know better than that
I know better
You play the victim and I'll be the bad guy
I know better than that
I know better

I know better not to be friends with boys
With girlfriends
Oh, I know better than that
I know better